Love or Lust

It’s been 5 years since the last time I wrote about love. At that time, I was writing about my unfortunate love story and considering flying across the ocean, looking for my love. In the span of 5 years, some of my acquaintances, best friends, and relatives ties the knot then had a child or two (some even three). Here I am now, across the ocean, haven’t found my life partner yet. I hate to admit that, almost no change happens in my personal life during these 5 years. Still the same old me, just a bit (or much) messier. Also, it is kind of shameful to talk about shallow things like personal love life, while others talked about deeper and meaningful topics. I’m shallow and shameless anyway, and also need to rant so let’s move on to this silly topic.

To make a years-long story short, after I moved to my current place, I met someone that taught me an absolute brand new experience about love. I learned about getting comfortable and confident while I’m in love because until then, falling in love was another way of self-destructive for me. Each time I will jump into deep despair of self-doubt and loathing, hating someone I called myself. With this person, I found myself feeling super confident, dress up neatly and my messy self has become more structured. My room started to be neat and clean because he is neat and clean. I got motivated to be smarter because he is. I paid all my debt until it became zero. I finally understand about “change to be a better version of ourselves.” I got surprised in a good way, that someone’s presence could give a sense of comfort, soothing my attachment issue. Unfortunately, you probably can guess now that it wasn’t ended up in a good way. It was close but not far enough. That time I ugly cried in front of my counselor after seeing him with his girlfriend was the first time I cried for a man outside my family members. I was devastated.

It happened 2 years ago. After that, the pandemic spread around the world, making us our own prisoners. No chance to find a new person, or so it seems. I’m spiraling down, even being messier than before. I started to shop impulsively again. I care less about myself. On another side, I also learned about myself. My attachment issue. My hyperactive brain problem leads to many problems. Then, another question was raised. Did I really love him or did I only love my idea of him? Were others before him was not love, but lust?

Everything I loved about him simply came from my own imagination based on his facade face, as we ended up acknowledging each other, but not close enough to understand each other personally. Still, the comforting feeling I felt wasn’t imagination and somehow, somewhere inside my head, I want to believe that I was into him as the way he is.

Limerence is a term to cover the irrational, obsessive aspect of romantic love

Dorothy Tennov, phychologist.

As someone with a hyperactive brain who has grown in a world where society has expectations on how girls should behave, I ended up having avoidant attachment issues and consciously—and unconsciously— reject any affection I’ve got. It leads me to always look into someone that I know won’t be that into me, someone that won’t return my feeling. I’ve been addicted to unrequited love because I can’t handle the feeling of being loved. It’s so strange for me I literally got some affection-inducted anxiety attacks. Now I know I should look for someone who will make me feel comfortable. Someone that is mentally stable, more relaxed, and laid back than me like the bridge over trouble water. The problem is, I always ended up being into guys that are more like the sea before a storm. Looks calm, warm, but you know they’re dangerous and will drown you into deep, suffocated bitterness towards yourself. You will end up hating yourself at last.

And now the storm is coming back. I tried my best to resist the desire to put myself out under the gloomy weather to play under the rain because I know I will get cold and miserable, or worse, got struck by the lightning. For my brain that has dopamine regulated issue and always crave stimulation and adventure, it’s so tempting though, I can’t help but find myself kind of looking for a way to swim into the sea of lust even my semi-unconscious mind trying to warn me through a couple of exhausting lucid dreams. It probably won’t be that bad right? At least could get a new fuel for my creativity, a new muse, as now I’m getting the motivation to write a blog post after almost two years of hibernation lol. Ah, here is come again, my friends should be ready for me to annoy them from now. Or maybe not. Never again. As I should learn from the hard lessons I’ve got. I guess it’s time for me to shayshay away so I can have a serious conversation with my soul, mind, heart, and brain regarding this so I won’t finish being a miserable co-dependent person,

Co-dependent people tend to be drawn to and caught up in ‘toxic’ relationships, in other words to became deeply involved with people who are unreliable, abusive, emotionally unavailable, or extremely needy.

A practical Guide to the phychology of relationships by john karter

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