This post will goes very very personal so apologies for some of my reader who looking for fashion or beauty post, but I though I will widen my post variation realized I cannot always make a fashion or beauty related post.

I just got broken heart…for the 12948201386 times. Okay, maybe it’s sound extra-grated, but really I just falling in love and voluntary broken my heart, which is pretty normal as a human being.  Pretty normal but come on! No matter how much you falling in love then broken your heart, it’s still hurt right? even the hurt level is different per each case. Usually, after you got a broken heart, you promised to your self that “I’ll never falling love again,”then you meet other person and ‘accidentally’ falling in love again.Thus you believe that this time it will be different. This person is ‘the one’! and you learned from you past experience tried to not make a same mistake. Alas, different person means different problem, and unfortunately that person isn’t ‘the one’. You broke your heart again, promised not to falling love again, then falling love again *count how many ‘again’ I said in this sentence :P*. Endless loop.

So here me now, running through that endless loop. After a long time without serious crush, I met this person and somehow felt connected. For introduction, I never experienced a mutual love nor in relationship. It’s simply because my brain work in very simple, casual way. I never push my self into a relationship with someone I don’t have any interest and vice versa. Everything must equal and balance. That’s the main reason why until now I never had any relationship, It’s because most of time our feeling always passing at each other or in Sundanese they called it ‘pasalingsing’. He loves me, but I’m not or I love him, but he doesn’t.
Back to this guy. I felt connected with this person and he seems very nice, easy to talk person. Even though I got a mild panic attack after realize about my feeling, I tried to faced it and act like a proper adult, overcome and enjoyed that feeling *ewww cheesy I know*.
I always between curiosity and calculated in almost every aspect of my life and this time, my curiosity won. It wasn’t last for a long time though. After a while of trying (and quite long denial process) I must face the fact that he’s just not that into me. He’s a nice person, no doubt, but does he care about me? Does he looked interest with me, or at least at topic I brought in our conversation? and our last conversation answered almost everything. One of my favorite writer, Ms. Sitta Karina once tweeted
Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation.

— Sitta Karina (@sittakarina) July 27, 2016

Yes, my heart is broken, but it wasn’t him who broken my heart, it was my self. I made an expectation, and I broke my heart after knowing that my expectation was failed. He didn’t do anything that harmed or hurt me besides he treated me well and I just misinterpreted his kindness. Probably this is the reason behind latest Indonesian popular idioms like PHP (Pemberi Harapan Palsu; for a person who gave a false hope), Harkos (Harapan kosong; false hope), and Baper (bawa perasaan; taken too much feeling). It because we always put an expectation to other, think that they will act as our preference without realized that they’re human too, have their own mind and will. When our expectation failed, we accused them as liar, player, betrayal, etc. while they actually didn’t aware about our expectation. Indeed, some people do those thing (lying, betraying, cheating, hurting people) consciously, but some others just tried being nice without any intention.  Think back, I also probably had crushed other people expectations too, broken their heart unconsciously.

“Sometimes people just tried to being nice, and we mistaken their kindness,”

Old wise man (my aunt acquaintance tbh.) had told me, “If you falling in love with someone, fall over their ugly sides, not their best sides because if you love that person based on his/her best side, you likely will hate that person after you known their ugly side,”. Of course it doesn’t mean you must love someone with manic or abused personalities, but it does mean you must love someone with their imperfections, all in, inside and out. He said that to me known my perfectionist traits over man.

Do I hate him? after knowing his other sides? No, I don’t and probably won’t ever hate him. He, as I said before is a nice person, I like to have a discussion or stupid conversation with him, and I always admired his spirit. Thus it’s always fun to meet someone you can talk with. I do regrets being in love too fast without knowing much about him though. I don’t even know his full name back then, but I took everything as a lesson for the next time. Does it make me stop to falling love again? Maybe yes for now, because I need time to back on track before start to looking for another person. Borrowed Snow White infamous song, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” if not now, perhaps I will found ‘the right one’ someday. Maybe tomorrow, or ten years from present because no one know except God, and because love isn’t competition. Maybe I must crossed the ocean to found that person (Japan FTW) or maybe I just need to walk to convenience store nearby and bumped him at the registry.

Everyone have different ways to cope with love and broken heart *Hi Awkarin ;)*. At the end, all we looking for is happiness, being in love and loved. For now, I just relish my current feeling, the bittersweet tasted from unrequited love, being in love and getting broken heart and buy piles of liquid lipstick I haven’t add to my collection yet.